Want to find out what most of your Christmas presents are early?
Simply look at your family and friends' eBay feedback.

Where does a one-handed man shop?
The second hand shop.

Got kicked out of an antiques store today because my payment was not "full"
apparently the fact that the vase was 2nd hand was not an excuse.

In the days before money was invented, people used fruit and vegetables to pay for goods.
That would be quite awkward if you wanted to purchase fruit and vegetables.

While queuing at the checkout in Tesco's today,
I had plenty of time to admire their 8 'show purposes only' checkouts.

Whilst out shopping I often wondered what C & A stands for,
I've just realised it's to help women to get their knickers on the right way round

When out shopping one day my wife exclaimed 'Homebase really is my home away from home!'
They do some nice kitchens after all.

Spring Deal:
50% off all trampolines

I'm very disappointed with Marks and Spencer. I didn't see any black women in underwear for sale in any of their departments.

'The new Tesco app let's you order from your iPhone'
Because iPhone users weren't quite annoying enough.

I always feel awkward when I wear a blue and yellow T-shirt in Ikea.

'Hi there and welcome to Hollister! Would you like earplugs, a gas mask or a flashlight?'

The local supermarket has a "buy two get two free" offer on pregnancy tests (yes, really, just for those girls who think they'll need 4 kits in the near future).
And a special offer on wine by the case.
Coincidence?
Tesco: proudly serving the nation's slappers since 1919.

I went shopping today hoping to update my look.
The sales girl informed me that combat chic was the latest thing, pointing to a mannequin that was sporting the current fashion.
The boots are cute, I thought, but I just can't see myself in camouflage.

I'm releasing a new product this winter called 'Chocihot', its a chocolate bar designed to make you feel warm inside.
My slogan is going to be 'Chocihot kills!'
Lambert and Butler had the same idea and they are selling in the millions...

I went into my local music shop and asked for something that goes 'ping'.
'Ping?' The owner asked.
'You'll do!'

I've just been made redundant, gonna have to make some sacrifices and go back to Basics...
Yep, that's right, no more Taste the Difference for me!

Personally, I never buy anything off the black market. It never works and theres no way of sending it back.

I bought a TV aerial today and everyone in the shop starting to whoop, cheer and clap.
I got a great reception.

The local supermarket has a "buy two get two free" offer on pregnancy tests (yes, really, just for those girls who think they'll need 4 kits in the near future).
And a special offer on wine by the case.
Coincidence?
Tesco: proudly serving the nation's slappers since 1919.

Tempo Clothing, "Sale Last Week!"
I thought, "Why are they telling me now?"

Waitrose.
The easy way to lose your money.

I don't buy sure as the adverts sound too sarcastic.

Argos;
The only thing it needs to sell to its customers is a New Gene Pool

I've just received an email to say that I've won a 1000 shopping spree in waitrose.
I'm so excited, I don't know whether to buy 3 loafs of bread or 6 pints of milk.