My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Facebook.
That's one less person on my friends list.

I've been getting really paranoid lately. Its got so bad, I've even closed my Twitter account because a policeman's been following me.

I broke into Mark Zuckerberg's mansion last night.
It was pretty easy. He told everybody on Facebook he was going on holiday.

A girl I know posted on Facebook, "Anyone know someone who has Ann Summers parties?"
I replied, "Lots of people have parties in the summer. Your grammar is terrible, by the way."

Definition of: "Hey Hun, are these recent pics"? On Facebook.
Basically means: "Do you still look like that or have you got fatter and uglier"?

"When did all these drama filled reality TV shows about food, weather, kids, and relationships start using closed captioning for the hearing impaired?" I thought to myself.
Then I realised I was on Facebook.

Just heard the news about the woman who shook their child to death after being interrupted whilst playing FarmVille...
At least they made themselves some nice fertiliser for their crops...

I was on the way home from work the other day, when I got talking to some girl at the bus stop.
We got off at the same stop, so I asked If she wanted to come in and stay the night.
After a whole night of pleasure I decided to add her on Facebook.
But when I went to log into Facebook I saw that you had to be over 13 to create an account...

Apparently putting 'Fap Fap Fap!!' as a comment on friends pictures of their children ISN'T cool.

I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him
#hereboy

Drunk facebooking is like a fat chick, we know we shouldn't do it but when its put there in front of you it's a different story and either way you wake up the next morning thinking oh god what have I done

It's funny the way when i log on Facebook everyone seems to be busy and logs off.

Google Plus recently announced a new service called Google games. In a press statement they announced 3 other new products called Square, Triangle and R2.

Facebook's just a waste of paper

Facebook Places.
Taking the risk out of burglary.

Recently, a lot of fat birds have been sending me friend requests on Facebook.
I guess it's high time that I removed that cake from my profile picture.

I know what will stop these riots...
A facebook group

I've been kicked off Facebook because of a "misunderstanding" of the purpose of the group "Feed children with just a click"

I've been inboxing my number to everyone on Facebook but I think I got the wrong idea.
Angry parents have been ringing me all day going mental.

Is it me, or would i have never met any of my friends if it wasn't for facebook?

Twitter-The best thing to happen to stalkers since binoculars!

Timeline from facebook:
we thought you might like your wall cut in half.

I see #Primaryschoolmemories is trending on twitter. Personally I used to love kissing the girls behind the bike sheds, until I left.
I miss my janitor Job

So that NSPCC 'Change your picture to a beloved cartoon character' was a scam by a paedophile designed to make them easier to accept.
But to be honest, anyone who accepts a total stranger solely because their picture is Mickey Mouse deserves to get abducted, abused and killed.

I was chatting with a girl on Facebook this morning.
"4,831 Friends? Cool." I said.
"Yeah, I'm going to make a new profile as soon as I reach 5,000."
"Hmmmm.."
"What do you got?", she asked.
"Not much", I replied. "Just a life."