Just quit my job with National rail.
Couldn't be doing with all the training.

My mate asked whether I knew a way to travel around without using my own transport.
Gave him the thumbs up.

My car must be one of the most ecologically friendly cars on the planet.
I've lost the ignition key.

I like to pull over in my car, wind down the window and ask total strangers for directions to the Tomtom Head Office.

I was travelling to my mum's house earlier today, and I broke down on the way.
I hate that, crying on the train...

ME69 YOU will make a great registration plate in 2019

When I was younger the radio always had the strange ability to take me places.
Mainly as we only had a radio in the car.

My Driving instructor told me that 90% of all accidents come from behind.
Funny, I've never seen two cars reverse into each other.

Me and my mate decided to play Chinese Roulette.
We went to the Chinese restaurant in the High Street and decided to order the numbers of the first six buses that came past.
Never doing that again, we were starving for half an hour then within minutes we had six bags of prawn crackers

I was looking down at the change in my hand while getting on a bus and asked for a return. A voice replied "A return to where love." I said "I'd like to return back to the bus stop if you don't mind."

My mate went on holiday recently and ended up coming home in a box.
I told him not to fly with Ryan Air.

"New car can get from 100mph to a stop in just three seconds"
Braking News.

So they've landed a rover on Mars? Blimey, mine barely made it to Devon.

A woman driving is like a dog walking on its hind legs.
You don't expect it do be done well - and you are suprised to find it done at all.

BBC News: All flights at Birmingham Airport are suspended and the runway closed after a small aircraft is believed to have crashed.
Surely they know if the aircraft crashed or not????????

Just heard a message over the tannoy on the train saying leaving my personal belongings will end up with them being taking and destroyed.
So, I am going to kidnap Bono and stuff him in a bag and leave it on a train. Fingers crossed!

Ford are bringing out an old favourite in solid gold for the Chinese market.
It's the Ka ching.

I love the idea of artificial chicanes on roads
Trying to Improve safety by forcing you into oncoming traffic

My wife of 25 years has never had an accident whilst driving my car, until today.
I lent it to her for the first time this morning.

My motto in life is ''you get out what you put in'', which is why my car does so little miles per gallon.

How about harnessing wave energy at Airport departures?

Marathon runner Rob Sloan, recently admitted to cheating by catching a bus to the finish line and hiding behind a tree and waiting until the other runners came into view before claiming 3rd place.
Witnesses were astonished as events unfolded as the number 336 service arrived on time.

Just kicked my neighbours car, now I have to figure out how to get a smart car out of a tree.

My mum and dad left me in the car earlier today while they went and done the shopping. Sat there for hours bored out of my mind.
They did leave my Gameboy with me but the sign outside said, "No loading at any times," and I really couldn't be bothered starting a new game.

I just got off the plane in China and a guy asked if he could look through my suitcase.
I was warned that they have some strange customs in Asia.