Just quit my job with National rail.
Couldn't be doing with all the training.

I was looking down at the change in my hand while getting on a bus and asked for a return. A voice replied "A return to where love." I said "I'd like to return back to the bus stop if you don't mind."

My mate asked whether I knew a way to travel around without using my own transport.
Gave him the thumbs up.

My car must be one of the most ecologically friendly cars on the planet.
I've lost the ignition key.

I like to pull over in my car, wind down the window and ask total strangers for directions to the Tomtom Head Office.

I was travelling to my mum's house earlier today, and I broke down on the way.
I hate that, crying on the train...

ME69 YOU will make a great registration plate in 2019

When I was younger the radio always had the strange ability to take me places.
Mainly as we only had a radio in the car.

My Driving instructor told me that 90% of all accidents come from behind.
Funny, I've never seen two cars reverse into each other.

Me and my mate decided to play Chinese Roulette.
We went to the Chinese restaurant in the High Street and decided to order the numbers of the first six buses that came past.
Never doing that again, we were starving for half an hour then within minutes we had six bags of prawn crackers

My mate went on holiday recently and ended up coming home in a box.
I told him not to fly with Ryan Air.

"New car can get from 100mph to a stop in just three seconds"
Braking News.

So they've landed a rover on Mars? Blimey, mine barely made it to Devon.

A woman driving is like a dog walking on its hind legs.
You don't expect it do be done well - and you are suprised to find it done at all.

BBC News: All flights at Birmingham Airport are suspended and the runway closed after a small aircraft is believed to have crashed.
Surely they know if the aircraft crashed or not????????

Just heard a message over the tannoy on the train saying leaving my personal belongings will end up with them being taking and destroyed.
So, I am going to kidnap Bono and stuff him in a bag and leave it on a train. Fingers crossed!

I love the idea of artificial chicanes on roads
Trying to Improve safety by forcing you into oncoming traffic

I saw a BMW driver indicating today!
I was so shocked, I almost crashed when he pulled out on me.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Because her husband had been wise enough not to let her drive.

I recently went for a job interview to be a train driver.
But the interviewer didn't turn up on time so i didn't get the job

You know when the price of fuel is high when its cheaper to run your car on Redex.

BBC News: 'Woman Travels To Work And Ends Up Back At Same Station 8 Hours Later'.
So everyone else is just as shocked as me to see that her train wasn't cancelled.

I got arrested yesterday, i was at the airport and i was singing innocently to the customer announcement noise they always play before an announcement.
only afterwards i realised why "bom, bom, bom, bom" was inappropriate.

I just got off the plane in China and a guy asked if he could look through my suitcase.
I was warned that they have some strange customs in Asia.

Ford are bringing out an old favourite in solid gold for the Chinese market.
It's the Ka ching.