I find jokes about people in wheelchairs, like Christopher Reeves, absolutely sickening.
Around me that sort of crude humour just won't fly.

I just went to buy some Velcro shoes and the prices were astonishing. What a rip off!

Felix the cat, he'll get a furry tongue.

I'm an untidy person and I just walked in to find my wife ironing my Y-fronts,
Oh the irony

"The removal of the ability to predict the future!"
"What do we want?"

My girlfriend left me because I plan to far ahead into the future.
I'm not worrying though, I'll get her back one day.

Kobe will have a heap of energy for his next game after eating Rice all week

I was driving down the motorway when i saw "Service station, 3 miles" with a sad face printed below it
I thought to myself, that's a worrying sign

I had to leave my job at the milk factory.
I just couldn't bottle it.

If you ever commit a serious crime you should turn yourself into the police.
That way you'll be more difficult to identify.

I've just read a great book called "How To Maintain a Healthy Prostate" by I P Freely.

My mates a brilliant navigator but he's got a terrible stutter. He's called Tomtom.

Saw a Shakespeare play in someones lungs.
It was Mcbreath

A family of bears has broken into a holiday cabin in Norway and consumed more than 100 cans of beer.
To be fair, they had their name on them.

I've just seen Andy Gray working in Tie Rack...
He told me to "take a bow son!"

I've just been to the Edinburgh fringe festival.
Wasn't as good as the Liverpool perm seminar.

Sent my wife this text this morning "mozzarella, cathedral city, cheddar." Oh she does love a cheesy message

I woke up this morning and felt like an 18 year old!!
Could not find her so I got out of bed.

I was grateful when the judge sent me down.
I sleep easier on a softer pillow.

Chicks dig miners.

Due to the high number of female members, only men can now join the Belarus shot putt team.

I asked my cheating lifeguard wife who she's thinking about right now.
"Tom, daily" she replied.

After one night stands women always ask me why I call my condoms religious.
They don't like it when I say sewing needles make them holy.

I never pay any attention to the Richter Scale.
It has too many faults.

So the soldiers were brought in as extra security during the 17 days of the Olympics.
Does that mean that during the Paralympics we're going to be bringing all the Paratroopers in?