I decided to leave work early today,
You should have seen the look on the co-pilots face when i grabbed the only parachute and jumped out of the plane.

I lost my job as a lion-tamer, they said I was taking too long.
My plan was, through a selective breeding programme, to have them eating out of my hand in about 12 to 14 generations.

My career as a janitor has opened a lot of doors for me.

I was thrown in at the deep end on my first day in my new job, and it must have been clear I had lied during the interview.
I think drowning was a bit of a giveaway that I wasn't a "former olympic swimming coach".

At the moment work is hard to find, so I've been going through a dry period.
Although picking congealed blood off my wife's sanitary towel isn't going to solve the problem.

It's a shame that Clinton's could be losing 8,000 members of staff as in a few months there's expected to be 8,000 people receiving 'Congratulations on your new job' cards

My boss fired me from my job at Big O Tires.
Apparently I'm not good at handling the pressure.

I lost my job yesterday after taking 4 days on a team building exercise that should have only taken half a day at the most.
I dont think they realise how much effort went into balancing that perfect fantasy football team.

I have a sign in the window at work that says, "No more than two school kids at a time"
Which was why I lost my job as a teacher.

My job interview didn't go well yesterday.
When asked, "What do I see myself doing in 10 years time?" my mind just went blank.
I really fancied being a psychic as well.

The wife blames my obsession with Frank Sinatra as the reason for our drapery business going into receivership.
And so I face the final curtain ...

My mate said he can get me a new job at the Jobcentre.
I turned up yesterday, had a look around and realised he sent me to the immigration office.
He keeps calling saying "where are you?" but I'm not gonna fall for it twice

I just finished my work in Africa helping carry full water containers on my head,
that's a weight off my mind.

My mate said he can get me a new job at the Jobcentre.
I turned up yesterday, had a look around and realised he sent me to the immigration office.
He keeps calling saying "where are you?" but I'm not gonna fall for it twice

I was sacked today for tying the boss up
.. Apparently that's not what gaffer tape is used for

Despite doing ten to the dozen every day at work,I still ended up losing my job.
Quite a few of the bakerys we supply too had been complaining about being short changed.

I've had to perform a lot of manual labour at work recently.
If the babies aren't coming out, I just go in and grab them.

I've been trying to read the Encyclopedia Britannica but keep getting thrown out of the library for shouting at the staff
I can never find the right volume

Why do car salesmen sleep standing up?
Because they lie all day and don't want to bring work home with them.

British Airways staff are being asked to work for a month without pay.
Have you seen those air stewardesses? Max Factor will go bankrupt. You thought that air stewardess hated you before? You can kiss that cushion goodbye. You'd be as well taking a pot noodle on flights.
At least for that month the only 'bird strikes' on the runway will be malnourished staff beating them to death with clubs.

I was sick of my work uniform making me look as silly as possible, so I got a new job.
I left Morrisons, and started working as a clown.

One of my previous Bosses used to look at a pile of CVs , pick half of it up at random and throw it straight in the bin, saying "I don't want to work with unlucky people."

I bought my new boss a mirror as a welcoming gift but it turned out to be faulty.
It's not going to reflect well.

BBC News "Highland Toffee firm goes under"
That's hard to swallow

BBC NEWS - UK unemployment total on the rise.
That now means all the people on the dole can have the jobs that the newly unemployed are leaving. Problem solved!