Where's the best place to find fossils?
Wetherspoon's at lunch time.

I found a Land Rover buried in one of my fields.
It was a nice Discovery.

This girl my friend knows (we'll call her the dogsitter) was looking after a dog for another friend while she was on holiday. During this period the dog unfortunately died.
The dogsitter phoned the vets and informed them and asked what to do. They told her to bring the dog in to the vets. The vets was fairly far away in Liverpool Street, London. And the dogsitter doesn't drive.
She looked round the house for something to put the dog in and ended up choosing a suitcase! She then headed on to the underground with the dead dog in the suitcase.
When finally arriving at Liverpool Street station trying to get this bag up the stairs she was offered some help. The guy was surprised how heavy it was and asked what was inside...
She just said bits from uni, laptops, jewelery etc.
When they got to the top of the stairs he ran off with the suitcase!

I went round my gran's last night.
She suddenly started crying and said, "Ignore me - I'm just a silly sentimental old fool."
So I switched the telly on and watched the football.

My dad and I were talking yesterday about my future career. When he asked the question, "Do you know what made me want to become a doctor?"
Apparently, "So you could touch little kids without getting arrested?" wasn't the right answer.