Just got my best mate, my dog a cell phone plan.
It comes with roll-over minutes.

Me and the lads were on a night out. Steve was dressed as Spiderman, Dave came as Buzz Lightyear, Joe was a Smurf, and I came in a flowing satin and embroidered ball gown.
"So, what you come as?" they asked.
"I was going to say the same to you. The email clearly stated that the theme was fancy dress!"

If I had a penny for every time I got mugged.

BBC News: 'Parenting style strongly affects drinking'
That's odd - because I find drinking strongly affects my parenting style...

It was the funeral of the wife's mother yesterday.
At the graveside I broke down in tears.
"Thought you didn't like her?" the wife whispered.
"I didn't. But seeing her being buried reminds me of what happens to most of my jokes".