I used to think I had schizophrenia...
But then I realized that's what the voices want me to think.

My mate asked me, "Are you free next week to look after my company if I go on holiday?"
I said, "Mind your own business".

Don't make the mistake I did. I took my kids to a heavy petting zoo.

In France they make their omelets with only one egg.
You see, in France one egg is an oeuf

I was walking down the road when I saw a few lads lifting a large box. I could see they were struggling so I went over to help.
"Come out" I boasted, "It's all in the knees."
"Just go away!" they shouted.
"I'm only helping" I said, spitting on my hands and lifting.
The sheer weight made me collapse in a heap and I dropped it.
Totally ruined the funeral.