I couldn't be bothered getting my son a costume for his dress up day at school today, so just told him to take the laptop with him.
"How's that dressing up?" my son asked.
"Easy, just tell them your a pirate" I replied.

Yesterday, I was kicked out of Oxfam for puffing Marlboros.
It appears there's not much demand for second-hand smoke.

So I'm in JFK airport with my 3 kids Alex, Kyle and Ida. They all go missing whilst going security and I start to panic.
So I ask if I can use the tannoy to call out for them....
very innocently I shout out "AL-KY-IDA"
I dont remember much of what happened next....

Got the Niece and Nephew down from Dundee for the weekend.
They're playing ''mums and dads'' in the living room just now. Not entirely sure they understand the roles of parents from Dundee though.
My Niece isn't drunk and my Nephews still here.

My friend wont stop going on about his neurological disease, it's all M.E, M.E, M.E.