It's impossible to cook children food.
I can never fit them in the oven.

My younger brother use to love being as a pirate, but then he died at sea.
So long John.

In my first week at school, during P.E., we were all asked to take part in a "bleep test".
I managed fourteen c*nts and seven wa*kers before the headmaster finally caught me.

My Ex-Wife claims that when I have the kids for their monthly visit I just spoil them and throw money at them.
You want the see the bruise a 50p coin can make between ones eyes if executed correctly from 2 metres.

I told this guy I drunk 20 cups of coffee every day and he asked me how do I sleep at night?
I replied, "Easy, it's fairtrade"