The first half of lolita is hilarious.

Business in my pub has been way down since I fitted it with draught excluders.

My job is to deliver speeches on health and safety. I get really nervous before-hand, so my friend suggested picturing the audience in their underwear.
It didn't work at all; I was still nervous plus I got a raging hard-on.
Then again, it was at my local primary school.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a D.I.Y. accident.
I stuck out like a sore thumb.

My maths teacher is a pretty rubbish Elvis impersonator.
"A little less conversion, and a lot more fraction please" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.