My girlfriend said she loves me dearly, so I attacked with a pair of antlers and mounted her.
I was on holiday in Spain when my mate phoned me.
"How's the hotel?" he said.
"Well, I can't complain, " I replied.
"Oh, that's good then," he said.
I said, "No, it's terrible! I just don't speak the lingo."
My wife said, "I want Champagne, no wait I actually want Rose. Forget that I'll have Chardonnay."
I said, "Stop wining."
"I applied for a job at a sun-cream factory," I told my mate.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Didnt get it."
"What are you going to do?"
"Re-apply," I said.
My girlfriend has always said to me you are what you eat. So today I killed Cheryl Cole tied my girlfriend down to the bed and made her eat the corpse