Thinking of opening a wine shop in Newcastle.
Going to call it Alan Shiraz

My wife come in today with no make up on and said, "Do I look ugly without my slap?"
"No love, you look beautiful as always, you're glowing!" I replied.
Bare faced lies.

The wife asked me to sync her new iPhone earlier.........
It's been in the bath for 4 hours now and still nothing has happened!

A Spanish bloke goes in to a Chinese Take-away and says, "Can I have sweet and sour badger with badger fried rice please."
The man behind the counter replies, "Ahh, Sett meal for Juan."

Lidl are giving their shoppers a 5 off voucher if they spend 30 or more at their stores.
I have to say though, if I was prepared to buy the whole store, I would expect a bit of a discount.