I've written a book on how to cut onions with a chainsaw.
It's pretty dicey.

Guys, fool your mates into thinking you have a girlfriend by moving the toilet roll to under your bed, instead of leaving it at your computer desk.

I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job.
Oh well I should have gone to pecshavers.

Ironically, the further forward you move the car seat because you're short, the taller you have to be to reach the seatbelt

I discovered a clowns arm on the beach today. I found this humerus.