I was sat next to this miserable, unhappy looking bloke on the bus when he said,
"One ring to rule them all."
"Is that from Lord of the Rings?" I interrupted.
"No," he replied "it's a general consensus of women's domination as a result of marriage."

Just drove past one of those billboards asking if I'd rather see a speed camera or a bunch of flowers by the roadside.
Obvious really: flowers don't take my license and look much prettier too!

"Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the bin.....

I answered the door the other day and there was a woman dancing away, holding glow sticks and blowing a whistle, and she asked if I wanted to buy any cosmetics.
My wife said "Who is it?". I answered "It's the rave-on lady".

I said to my mate, "I had a dream last night and God showed me how to get to Heaven."
"Seriously?" he asked.
I said "Yeah, straight up."