My wife said, "I think Barcelona will win tomorrow"
I said, "Put your money where your mouth is?"
She said, "Oi shhink arshhloer mmm mmin momorr"

There is a slight potential flaw in simply dropping a noticably bulky envelope into a post box, clearly addressed to "cash for gold".
...It is akin to the three kings strapping the gold to a donkey and leaving, hoping it manages to travel on its own in the rough direction of Bethlehem.

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, " What Lobsters?"

When I was younger, my parents didn't want me to get a tattoo. My mum said, "If you decide to get a tattoo, make sure you get it in a place that doesn't matter"
So I did, in Preston.

What's the difference between a postman and a postwoman?
A few letters.