My teachers always said I would be an underachiever and they were right - just won the world limbo dancing championships.

A Polish man walks into a library and asks ...
for a job.

I think my wife found out about the affair I was having with one of the local farmers sheep. I woke up to find my car grafitied with the words 'ewe cheating baaastard'

I hate my job as a fish monger.
The plaice stinks.

Don't throw those out!
Expiry dates are merely a suggestion, like late fees and traffic lights.